It's been awhile..

It really has, lol. My last post was over 10 years ago. Hahaha.. 

I haven't looked at this blog in forever, I almost thought I had lost it already. I'm surprised I still have over a 100+ views a day and that the counter at the bottom of my blog is still working xD. 

This blog has so many memories, some which I cherish, some which I wish didn't happen, but it is kind of a good reminder. 

2026 has been a tough year for me, really tough. But yeah.. a lot has happened to me since I last blogged here. 

Based on my last post, I honestly can't tell who I was talking to, it could be Fred, maybe some other guy, or maybe it's just generally to all guys. 

A lot has happened since 2014.. 

I started working. 

I got married. 

Well, maybe not that many things hahaha now that I've summed it up. 

But this year, I feel like a lot has happened..

Short version is: I found out my husband was cheating on me. TWICE. Haihz. 

So at the beginning of this year, I found out he WAS cheating on me, especially during the time we were doing PMC (pre-marital counselling). I decided to forgive him.. maybe a little too easily.. and we did some work to try to work past it and all. 

Then recently, i think it's been a week or so ago now.. I found out again but it was worse this time.. This time, I found out that he was STILL cheating on me, as in it was happening in present time, not the past. 

I was definitely sad and disappointed to say the least, probably shocked as well, because I didn't expect it to happen a second time. I guess I really underestimated him. 

It made me really sad. I felt like I was building our home, our marriage, everything by myself. I am a pretty capable person but I really prefer not to carry the whole load all the time. 

I got suspicious a little bit here and there. And then when I asked to go to him with Hatyai in the recent trip was when it started unravelling a little. His reaction to me coming was confounding. He cried and almost begged me not to go. Giving me a ton of excuses and saying I was bothering him at his work. Reminding me of the time he lied to me when he said he had to go to Ipoh to work (of course that time I'm not sure whether he was cheating on me or not but he definitely lied to me). I let it go at first, contemplating just following him there without him knowing but ultimately decided against it because our finances were poor.

I guess at least i saved the money and didn't go. And God let me find out another way. Sorry, I don't feel like telling all the details now.. I have told them to a few people at this point and I'm getting really tired of rethinking and retelling it again and again. 

Anyway, needless to say I packed my stuff, left our home in Serene, and am now staying at my parents'. Yes, I have told them, I have also told my sister (who got very angry on my behalf). We talked a bit after I left, and I proposed that we do a no contact / no communications for 5-7 days. Fred was somewhat hesitant at first, but he ended up proposaing 10 days (God knows why), and I just agreed. So we haven't spoken to each other since then.

But anyway, today 25 July 2026. Fred decided to turn off his location and his last seen location was MRT TTDI. I started panicking and thought he was going to sit bus or train or maybe even flight to see (well let's use the term I've seen someone used recently.. affair partner) AP. So at first I tried to calm myself down, tried to just chill and maybe sleep it off, but nothing really worked. Then I had to text Jennice, and I think she was busy with another event so she didn't reply until much much later. Then I went and called then texted his mom, and also ended up texting his sister. They both didn't really reply me, his sister replied me only much much later. 

My anxiety and panic rose quickly and I also proceeded to text Pr Benny (our PMC counsellor together with his wife), he replied me a little later saying he will try to call Fred. Then after awhile I also couldn't tahan liao I myself went and try to called him, and texted him. I continued panicking and couldn't sit still so I decided to drive to Serene to try to find out. In the end I was able to access his location using one of the accounts on his desktop. He was in Pavilion KL. At first I thought he might be there for work. But then he replied me awhile later saying he was out with his friends and went for karaoke. 

I was a little disappointed at myself after that. I knew that I shouldn't have pursued this. I should have just, let it go, surrender it to God and maybe go find a video game to play instead, but I couldn't.. I guess maybe it was a traume response. 

On his desktop I also found that he posted something on his old blog, that he for sure wanted me to see. It was xiaofredzai.blogspot.com (I guess now you might be able to guess why I decided to write here again :P). When he replied me, I could see his disappointment at me, and probably it reminded him of the reason why he wanted to run away from me in the first place. I was sad thinking about that. 

Anyway, yea, about the blog, he wrote about what happened on the day I found out. 17 July, the worst day of his life. He wrote about how he struggled to let go, how he still loved me and missed me and how we decided to end things with AP. I was partially surprised and a little hopeful when I read but I was also very scared still. I was still scared to hope that even though he still loved me.. maybe love wasn't enough anymore at this point. And that there was so much work to be done to rebuild this marriage, and where we can both be a safe place to each other, it feels almost impossible, especially how much he complained last time. 

I don't know, I still don't know. If you ask me, I do still love him and I still very much want this to work out. But I'm so scared to hope. I'm so scared he will just take me for granted again. I'm so scared he will go back to his old habits which will tempt him to make bad decisions again. The cycle is still very likely to repeat if things do not change. And I don't know whether he can promise me that, and I don't know whether he dares to even promise me that. 

I only saw him miss me most on that day that I left. After that, maybe now, maybe he's over it already. Maybe he's accepted it already and is already planning his next steps to move on. I'm so scared. I don't want to be doing this alone again I'm so tired. I know I have God's help and all but I feel so tired fighting for this marriage alone, I think I cannot do this alone, I need his commitment, I need him to step up, to make changes, to be accountable to someone. 

I want to say it is easier to give this up and find someone else but for some reason I don't think so.. Before I got married, I used to think that way, that it was way easier to leave him and find someone else better who already knows better, who is already doing better but now.. Maybe it's because I'm already 34 this year (damn I'm old.. can't believe i used to think 22 was old hahahah). 

God really has a sense of humour la. Just as this is all happening, JG is just starting on the Module about how to have a great marriage. And doing the homework in there, especially during this phase in my life it really reasonated with me. 

What is the purpose of a wife? 

She is THE helper for the husband. Her main role is to help him in things which he cannot do himself. Things he CANNOT DO HIMSELF. 

This was one of my biggest convictions for not leaving him as well. But at the same time, I am reminded that maybe leaving him is a way of helping him as well.. Just as a child cannot learn to walk without removing his walker or a kid cannot learn to really ride a bike without removing his training wheels, maybe I need to remove myself before Fred is able to stand up for himself and has a desire to fight for himself, for his soul against the powers of the evil one. Maybe me being here he think he can just lay back and let me do the fighting.. 

So I don't know. I really don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this.. Will he see this? Will it matter? What is the end result at the end of the 10 days? I'm so tired of being in limbo. 

I need Fred to be really honest with himself. I need him to look deep inside who he is and decide what he really wants and have the commitment to stick with it. No more running away because it's hard. No more leaving because it's really uncomfortable. No more coping with bad habits that ultimately lead to destruction. He needs to decide and remember his decision so we can all help him with it. 

Fred, you are not alone. We are here for you, I am here for you and ultimately, God is here for you. But we cannot be here for you if you push us away, we cannot help you if you choose to drive towards self-sabotage and destruction. Fantasy and temporary pleasure might be fun for awhile but the price you pay is really not worth it, not only for you but for everyone else who is affected as well. 

Marriage requires so much sacrifice. I kinda knew some of it but it is really hard. I kinda wished people talked more about how hard it is. The only person I really see emphasise this is Pr Chris hahaha. I miss Pr Chris being in church, I see him so little nowadays. 

Only God can give me the strength to forgive and wipe his slate clean. But it doesn't mean he gets to do all these shit again, things really need to change. But again I'm scared to hope. 

Heavenly Father, 

You know the cries of my heart. You know all about our marriage and how it has broken down. I pray for your strength and your peace, your wisdom and guidance in our minds. I thank you for the people you have sent to support us in different ways. Please help us both to think clearly, to communicate all our needs and expectations, to love one another unconditionally, to be more understanding towards each other, and to help and love each other more than we should. I pray that you send good help to help us restore our marriage, to set boundaries so that we do not repeat this cycle again, and be forgiving toward each other even as we will make mistakes and hurt each other along the way. I pray for peace tonight as we go to sleep. May our dreams be filled with joy for a fulfilled future and that we never forget to give thanks to you in everything we do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Why it's not "not a big deal"

haha. weird title eh? why didn't I just type.. "Why it is a big deal". That's because that will not illustrate my point for today.

Why it's a big deal when we see our boyfriends look at other girls.

So. If you're a guy reading this, of course you think. OMG.. another crazy ass bitch who's gonna make someone so "lucky".. Well, you're right. I am a crazy ass bitch. And whether or not I will make someone happy in the future for a long term period is still yet to be determined.

So back to the point, why? Why is it such a big deal to us, your girlfriends/wives/significant other? Why is it so hard for us to just.. let it go, ("let it go.. can't hold it back anymore..")  You want to know why?

BECAUSE WE CAN'T.

That's the straight forward truth. No matter how hard we try. We are somehow some way gonna remember back the face or the name of that girl you so love looking at. At least, that's true for me.

If you innocently happen to ask us to change some small thing in our lives, our personality, our habits, what we do or don't do.. We are gonna think of her. Oh, he's asking me to lose weight? Probably because he wants me to be as pretty as her. Oh he's asking me to wear make up? Must be because I'm not as pretty as her. Oh he's asking me to be less selfish? Must be because he wants to be MORE.LIKE.HER.

Now, we are being compared to Supermodels, Actors, Singers, Porn Stars? Do you really think that you have the right to do that? To make us feel like we have to reach that standard when you have no ****ing idea who they really are.. what they're really like.. what the **** they did..

Can't you understand WHY THE **** WE ****ING HATE IT?

Oh, so I guess it's our fault that we think this way. It's our fault that we don't understand men? That men absolutely and totally HAS TO look at pretty girls. Is it? Is that true?  Or is it because nowadays men just have no self control? or rather.. NO SHAME.

Our world has become so shameless now. Everybody doing whatever they want. It's my right what. Not like I hurting anyone also. Let me do whatever I want to do la.. All these excuses, after more and more and people started using it.. made things seem to become.. okay. Just because, everyone is doing it, does not mean it is okay. OKAY?

Now it has become our fault. We are the one with the problem right? Nothing to do with them.

How sad.. is that?

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me.. Don't Hurt Me, No More..

Wow. I just found this post in like my drafts. And at first it was something I wrote but then after reading it for like the second time.. I realized that it was something my ex, Timothy wrote. I can't remember why I have it though... But this is pretty interesting xD

**********************************Start of Timothy's Post**********************************

I am a lil annoyed wif sum1's blog post...

Love to some resemble fireworks~ o.O hmmm... kinda true~ but maybe they were referring to the orgasm part in making love =D ya, dat seems mor accurate xP oh wellz~ let's see... what is love o.O "a deep passion and affection?" hmm... wat does dat mean O.O;;

okay, i'll be a kind soul and tell u d answer, so that i may ease dat antagonising pain of your pitiful soul which seems to be badly broken that even superglue wont help =D xDDDD

Love is not a feeling, it's not fireworks~, it's not really heaven~, it's not a chemical reaction, it's not something easy to comprehend, it's not a game (definitely!), it's not something you learn from books, love is not an action~

Ya so~ now dat we noe wat it ISN'T, we can now proceed to wat it actually is =D (tis d exciting part xD)

Well... Love is.... love is..... its.... (omg! *gasp* *faint* and wtv nonsense ur gonna do~) its...... (drumroll pls~) (the suspense is killin ya aint it xP)..............................................

The definition of love is love is what we have =D it makes life worth living~ it's an adventure of the soul, it's something beautiful because there is nothing like it, and most importantly... it is God's greatest gift to us x) love does not stop, it never does, only the attraction does, but love... it goes on... and that is why, some people find it harder to fall in love with someone, it's cause they haven't read this...


Hey, you know I love you right,
You know how sometimes I'm shy?
Yea this was just one of those times,
So forgive me, my love,
Next time I'll heed the signs~

**********************************End of Timothy's Post**********************************

This makes me miss him a little hahaha.. But not in a way that I still wanna be with him. I always liked his writing. xD 

April Fools'!!! xD

It's that time of the year again. When you can't trust what anybody says, when you have to doubt every single thing that even your most trusted friend tells you, suspect people who are being especially nice to you on this day, and double check all the free gifts or free food that you're being offered . :P 

During my primary/high school years, this was one of the most fun day of the year. I get to lie and fool my friends and have an excuse to do it without them getting angry. :D Tee-hee. 

It's too bad that most of my pranks were a failure. But right now, I can only recall one very successful one I did in high school xD The night before, I decided to take some Cadbury chocolate, ate them and then keep the wrapper. I decided that it would be awesome to offer my friends these Cadbury wrappers that I filled with tissue to puff them up so they look like they have chocolate in them. xD I managed to con one of my closest girl friends Jega who got annoyed (but not really the really angry annoyed kind just the happy and realized she got fooled kind of annoyed). I think I can still remember her face the instant she opened it and found that there was no chocolate in it. :P She then proceeded to chase me around the class right after I shouted April Fools'! xD hahahaha.. good times, good times. :)

Another awesome April Fools' prank that I remember happened last year. This one wasn't pulled by me by the way, it was pulled by one of my best buddies which I mentioned in my last post, Eric. :P It was the day of our first date, (hahaha what a coincidence that we went out on April 1st, he told me it wasn't on purpose) and earlier before the date I told him I would find some way to prank him during the date xD So he just fetched me in his car, then at the end of the junction near my house his car just died. (Okay, let me explain.. This is legit cause he drives like a car which is like older than him I think. It was around 20 years old so.. if it broke down it seriously wouldn't be a big surprise..) :O Shit! I started panicking (mostly for him as I felt it would be really unlucky for him to have his car breakdown on the day of his first date). Then, he just show me his poker face (as usual, which is why I had no idea he had a crush on me until he asked me out) and then he laugh his Eric laugh (which sounds a lot like spongebob's which he likes to imitate xD) and said April Fools'! xD In my head, I was like SHIT! That MoFo tricked meeeeee!!! hahaha xD I was like (I can't remember what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of) Eric how could you?? hahaha but of course I laughed and told him it was a damn good prank. Salute you bro. 

Another prank that suddenly comes to mind as I wrote that story about Eric was that time Aileen was crying and called my on my phone and told me her little brother hit head and had to go to the hospital. I was so shocked and was telling her it's okay.. your little bro is gonna be okay.. she pretended for awhile more and then said, "APRIL FOOL!" hahaha damnit Aileen! xD I was really panicking for you kayyyyy.. T.T hahah these people are damn pro lah.. 

A lot of my other failed attempts included, fake confessions, telling my friend that the person they like was involved in a car accident, telling my classmates that our teacher wanted to see them and a few others that I can't recall right now.. 

Man, I really miss these times. Nowadays, April Fools' day seems so meaningless and boring and pointless.. Am I getting old and matured? Do I not know how to have fun anymore? :( This ish sho shad... :( 

NO! I promise I gonna prank at least one person today! My victims will probably be my two high school besties that I'm gonna see later :P hehe..

Anywayyyyy, hope you have an awesome April Fools' day :D Thank you and good bye :)

Let's start with where I last left off...

This is the story of how I met Eric Heng Kok Kuan. 

Eric was one of the friendliest guys I've ever met in Monash. He was always trying to "recruit" me in to his little gang that he kind of formed with a bunch of friends he just made as that was the kind of friend he is. He is also a magician :O  Hehe.. he showed magic to a lot of our classmates like on one of the few days of the orientation. He was always really super friendly and super nice to everyone :) 

The day I really only got to know him wad the day of the BBQ. The BBQ was like held at (crap I can't remember who, wait a sec.......I think it's) Fariz's house. That day, I decided to ride with him to Fariz's house. I didn't wanna trouble him to drive to my place so I asked my mom to drop me at his house. Then on the way to Fariz's we pass by the road to my house and I just realized that to go to uni he could easily drop by my place and I could carpool with him since he lived relatively near to me xD hahaha.. (at that time I was like taking the bus home or asking my mom to pick me up? I think) 

So I chatted with him along the way and got to know him better. Can't really remember much of what happened today except finding out that one of my friends (Abel) played LoL :O I thought it was like not that popular for most people to be playing it :P and Alwy bringing bacon (that bacon tasted so Damn good) to a Malay guy's house (good thing Fariz went to bed early) and Eric's chicken wings were really good too :D 

After that, I forgot how exactly but he started to fetch to uni and back. We became closer and closer friends after that (what would you expect? Stuck in the jam for long periods of time with just each other for company :P) we had a falling out somewhere in between over some incident but I have long forgotten it now :P then we started hanging out outside of Monash and stuff and became like best friends after that :) 

Even though we were really close, I never really felt like we clicked well together and that he couldn't really understand me or understand what I was saying.. I guess I didn't understand him well enough also especially when I was surprised to find out he liked me for a pretty extended period of time and I saw nearly no signs of it until he asked me out. 

At that time, I think I only just recently broke up with Szu Yew ( the guy I was referring to in my "Happy" post). I had only been with him for like a couple of months before things went sour.. 

(Small part of history with Szu Yew)

When I was with szu yew I was really.... confused. I wasn't sure what I wanted and I had only just recently broken up with Tim a month or so back at that time. But as short as a time that was I think I did love Szu Yew. But I knew deep down inside me that it would never work out as he was a pretty hard-core Atheist and I love my God too much for him to ever understand me. I kept thinking that I could somehow change his mind but I was being delusional. I still regret what I did to him. I only hope he could forgive me one day so we can become friends again. 

Szu Yew told me when I was with him that Eric liked me but I brushed aside what he said and didn't really believe it. He told me about Eric's reaction that one time in Pyramid at that I usually when I follow Eric's car go home, when I told him I was going back with Szu Yew.. his shock and disappointment but I ignored it that time cuz I couldn't care less and assumed he was just surprised as this was like one of the first time I wasn't following him home. So when Eric asked me out that time,  I was quite surprised and even though I had no feelings for him, I decided to give him a try anyway.. 

So for our first date we went for a movie and dinner at Fish and Co's (one of his most favourite places to eat now ;P) at 1u. It was simple, it was nice. I can't remember what movie we watched (forgive me, Eric):'( nothing much happened that night, (crap I'm getting all the dates with him messed up now. One of them involved a magic trick with a Hershey's kiss and an Ace of Hearts? I'm still keeping the card somewhere I think..) another date we went to i-city to walk walk. And he kind of asked to hold my hand but I felt kind of awkward to do it.. (sorry Eric :( ) but even after the dates and stuff I still didn't feel anything with Eric. He just felt like he was my very fluffy best friend and bro :P There was also another incident but I shall ask for his permission first before posting about it. 

I was going back and forth with him, asking him to just be friends and then later changing my mind and hurting him.. :( I was confused and I kept asking myself why couldn't I fall for this super nice guy who actually treats me well. But no matter what he did, and no matter what I did.. I couldn't fall for him.. Things didn't feel natural with him for some reason. So after awhile in the end, we just stayed friends. Friends that some times flirted back and forth. And then one of his gaming buddies, Ryan came back. But that's for my next post ;) don't worry, it'll be shorter than this one.. (probably) hehe..

That's all for now. *bows*

it's been awhile..

Greetings to the people who still read my blog. *cricket noises* *tumbleweed rolling by*

Hahahha it's okay if no one really reads my blog nowadays, I just felt like I should start blogging again. (You know how you always feels like blogging again when you look at other people's blogs? XD)

So what's up with life? Hmm.. nothing much, I've been working at a shop in digital mall called Thunder Match after I finished my studies in Monash. I decided I needed a break before I got in to a real job and maybe hopefully learn something there :)

So now, life is very different from what it used to be. I hang out with different people, even at night I don't even play LoL anymore, I play HoN now, a game where I used to be against.. :P (forgive my hypocrisy)

But besides that, I've met a lot of people that I did not mention in this blog.. some of which are really awesome people :) a few are like my best friends now or closest friends la since I can't technically have more than one "best" friends😜

I don't know where to start really.. Should I start from the stuff that is happening lately and right now? Or should I start from where I last left off? Hahahha.. anyway, I have to get ready for work now. If I feel like it maybe I'll post something at work 😃

That's all folks. *insert Warner brother's song with porky pig* (Kinda feels like I didn't really write anything even though I wrote so much hahahha)

Thoughts About Boyfriends and Being In a Relationship

I used to think that I knew everything I wanted in a boyfriend..

I wanted him to be a Christian first and foremost, 
I wanted him to be smart :D (Yes i'm attracted to smart guys)
I wanted him to have a talented ( like writing poems, or can play music, etc)
I wanted him to be kind and understanding
I wanted him to be really funny and can always make me laugh :)
I wanted him to be a gamer like me so we can always game together
I wanted him to be tons of fun
I wanted him to smell good xD
I wanted him to be honest with me all the time

But my mind has changed a bit since then..

Hahaha when you have never had a boyfriend before, you'll probably mention all these things that are more on the surface of the guy. But after dating and going out with a bunch of different guys and having a long term relationship, I realized how little these things actually matter.. I mean most of the stuff up there it is really nice to have in a guy, but there are so much deeper things that I really want right now.. Maybe cause now I'm at that age where I could get married to the person I'm with. 

So right now, I would like to make a list, to remind myself of all the things my future husband or any person I would want to call my boyfriend should have so that I will settle for nothing less than this..

I need him to be a Christian. 
This is self-explanatory.

I need him to be honest. 
BUT, he has the right to lie to me, IF he has a good reason or it's something that i'm better off not knowing (and no, cheating on me does not count as something i'm better off not knowing).  

I need him to be understanding.
I am a gamer girl, which means I like to spend time gaming and I will have a lot of guy friends. And if you can't stand me hanging out with them or you are unable to trust me with them, then i'm sorry, but you gotz to go. 

I need him to be mature
hahahah I used to not like mature guys but I thought they were boring and un-fun xD hehe and usually they are.. less fun? in a way.. But I guess that's because they know the consequences of their actions which prevents them from doing some "fun" activities. I have learned the hard way that doing something that is fun but wrong, always leaves me with a bad feeling in the end, which I really do not like. 

I need him to be my best friend 
Someone I can talk to, someone who can listen to me. Someone I feel comfortable with. Basically just a person who if not your boyfriend, would be your best friend. 

I need him to be a fixer and not a replacer. 
Okay, sounds a bit stupid but I couldn't find a better way to phrase it xD it means I don't want a guy to see something broken and replace it instead of trying to fix it. hahaha. anyway it means that I want a person who would wanna fix a relationship, make an effort to fix the relationship, and not just go "oh it's not working out, kthxbai". I really don't believe in divorces, I believe marriage is forever. I need someone who will stay with me forever and ever ("for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part") and make an effort to do so.. And I will promise to do the same. 

I want him to be independent
Obviously the guy need to be able to take care of himself before he can take care of you right? xD 

I need to be able to communicate with him
Yes. both efficiently and effectively. I really do not want a repeat of my family, so much issues from miscommunications. It's so much irritation and stress from issues that are not really even issues in the first place. 

I need him to be a naturally calm person
Because I am not a calm person xD I am a bit of a drama queen.. so yeah, i need a person to be my rock, my solid foundation so that when I shake, I have something or someone to hold on to.. xD I can't rely on a person who will go cray cray when I go cray cray :P Not that I am.. crazy i mean. Or am i....?

I need him to be someone who brings out the best and not the worst in me
Well, this is obvious. I think most people want this.

I need a person who wants the best for me
Before his own wants, before my wants, he needs to KNOW(not think) when is the right time and right decision to make sure that he's doing the right thing for both of us..

I want him to love me more than I love him
Wow, yeah this is a tough one for most guys maybe? I don't know hahahah.. I shall ask a guy friend next time xD But yeah, it's something my ex, Tim told me, which I believe it's very important for some reason. I can't seem to recall why right now....

The rest I mentioned up there, are pluses, but they are not needed. I don't need a guy who likes to game, he just has to understand my gaming habits xD. I don't need a guy who is smart and talented, just don't be a lazy ass who can't or doesn't bother to do anything. I don't really him be fun or funny, i just need you to click with me so we can talk and hang out and not feel awkward. Smell good is definitely a turn on, but no he doesn't have to, just bathe relatively often and smell decent :P 

That's about all I can think of right now I guess.. I think I would probably read it back and edit it again the next time I see this. xD Hopefully not.