It really has, lol. My last post was over 10 years ago. Hahaha..
I haven't looked at this blog in forever, I almost thought I had lost it already. I'm surprised I still have over a 100+ views a day and that the counter at the bottom of my blog is still working xD.
This blog has so many memories, some which I cherish, some which I wish didn't happen, but it is kind of a good reminder.
2026 has been a tough year for me, really tough. But yeah.. a lot has happened to me since I last blogged here.
Based on my last post, I honestly can't tell who I was talking to, it could be Fred, maybe some other guy, or maybe it's just generally to all guys.
A lot has happened since 2014..
I started working.
I got married.
Well, maybe not that many things hahaha now that I've summed it up.
But this year, I feel like a lot has happened..
Short version is: I found out my husband was cheating on me. TWICE. Haihz.
So at the beginning of this year, I found out he WAS cheating on me, especially during the time we were doing PMC (pre-marital counselling). I decided to forgive him.. maybe a little too easily.. and we did some work to try to work past it and all.
Then recently, i think it's been a week or so ago now.. I found out again but it was worse this time.. This time, I found out that he was STILL cheating on me, as in it was happening in present time, not the past.
I was definitely sad and disappointed to say the least, probably shocked as well, because I didn't expect it to happen a second time. I guess I really underestimated him.
It made me really sad. I felt like I was building our home, our marriage, everything by myself. I am a pretty capable person but I really prefer not to carry the whole load all the time.
I got suspicious a little bit here and there. And then when I asked to go to him with Hatyai in the recent trip was when it started unravelling a little. His reaction to me coming was confounding. He cried and almost begged me not to go. Giving me a ton of excuses and saying I was bothering him at his work. Reminding me of the time he lied to me when he said he had to go to Ipoh to work (of course that time I'm not sure whether he was cheating on me or not but he definitely lied to me). I let it go at first, contemplating just following him there without him knowing but ultimately decided against it because our finances were poor.
I guess at least i saved the money and didn't go. And God let me find out another way. Sorry, I don't feel like telling all the details now.. I have told them to a few people at this point and I'm getting really tired of rethinking and retelling it again and again.
Anyway, needless to say I packed my stuff, left our home in Serene, and am now staying at my parents'. Yes, I have told them, I have also told my sister (who got very angry on my behalf). We talked a bit after I left, and I proposed that we do a no contact / no communications for 5-7 days. Fred was somewhat hesitant at first, but he ended up proposaing 10 days (God knows why), and I just agreed. So we haven't spoken to each other since then.
But anyway, today 25 July 2026. Fred decided to turn off his location and his last seen location was MRT TTDI. I started panicking and thought he was going to sit bus or train or maybe even flight to see (well let's use the term I've seen someone used recently.. affair partner) AP. So at first I tried to calm myself down, tried to just chill and maybe sleep it off, but nothing really worked. Then I had to text Jennice, and I think she was busy with another event so she didn't reply until much much later. Then I went and called then texted his mom, and also ended up texting his sister. They both didn't really reply me, his sister replied me only much much later.
My anxiety and panic rose quickly and I also proceeded to text Pr Benny (our PMC counsellor together with his wife), he replied me a little later saying he will try to call Fred. Then after awhile I also couldn't tahan liao I myself went and try to called him, and texted him. I continued panicking and couldn't sit still so I decided to drive to Serene to try to find out. In the end I was able to access his location using one of the accounts on his desktop. He was in Pavilion KL. At first I thought he might be there for work. But then he replied me awhile later saying he was out with his friends and went for karaoke.
I was a little disappointed at myself after that. I knew that I shouldn't have pursued this. I should have just, let it go, surrender it to God and maybe go find a video game to play instead, but I couldn't.. I guess maybe it was a traume response.
On his desktop I also found that he posted something on his old blog, that he for sure wanted me to see. It was xiaofredzai.blogspot.com (I guess now you might be able to guess why I decided to write here again :P). When he replied me, I could see his disappointment at me, and probably it reminded him of the reason why he wanted to run away from me in the first place. I was sad thinking about that.
Anyway, yea, about the blog, he wrote about what happened on the day I found out. 17 July, the worst day of his life. He wrote about how he struggled to let go, how he still loved me and missed me and how we decided to end things with AP. I was partially surprised and a little hopeful when I read but I was also very scared still. I was still scared to hope that even though he still loved me.. maybe love wasn't enough anymore at this point. And that there was so much work to be done to rebuild this marriage, and where we can both be a safe place to each other, it feels almost impossible, especially how much he complained last time.
I don't know, I still don't know. If you ask me, I do still love him and I still very much want this to work out. But I'm so scared to hope. I'm so scared he will just take me for granted again. I'm so scared he will go back to his old habits which will tempt him to make bad decisions again. The cycle is still very likely to repeat if things do not change. And I don't know whether he can promise me that, and I don't know whether he dares to even promise me that.
I only saw him miss me most on that day that I left. After that, maybe now, maybe he's over it already. Maybe he's accepted it already and is already planning his next steps to move on. I'm so scared. I don't want to be doing this alone again I'm so tired. I know I have God's help and all but I feel so tired fighting for this marriage alone, I think I cannot do this alone, I need his commitment, I need him to step up, to make changes, to be accountable to someone.
I want to say it is easier to give this up and find someone else but for some reason I don't think so.. Before I got married, I used to think that way, that it was way easier to leave him and find someone else better who already knows better, who is already doing better but now.. Maybe it's because I'm already 34 this year (damn I'm old.. can't believe i used to think 22 was old hahahah).
God really has a sense of humour la. Just as this is all happening, JG is just starting on the Module about how to have a great marriage. And doing the homework in there, especially during this phase in my life it really reasonated with me.
What is the purpose of a wife?
She is THE helper for the husband. Her main role is to help him in things which he cannot do himself. Things he CANNOT DO HIMSELF.
This was one of my biggest convictions for not leaving him as well. But at the same time, I am reminded that maybe leaving him is a way of helping him as well.. Just as a child cannot learn to walk without removing his walker or a kid cannot learn to really ride a bike without removing his training wheels, maybe I need to remove myself before Fred is able to stand up for himself and has a desire to fight for himself, for his soul against the powers of the evil one. Maybe me being here he think he can just lay back and let me do the fighting..
So I don't know. I really don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this.. Will he see this? Will it matter? What is the end result at the end of the 10 days? I'm so tired of being in limbo.
I need Fred to be really honest with himself. I need him to look deep inside who he is and decide what he really wants and have the commitment to stick with it. No more running away because it's hard. No more leaving because it's really uncomfortable. No more coping with bad habits that ultimately lead to destruction. He needs to decide and remember his decision so we can all help him with it.
Fred, you are not alone. We are here for you, I am here for you and ultimately, God is here for you. But we cannot be here for you if you push us away, we cannot help you if you choose to drive towards self-sabotage and destruction. Fantasy and temporary pleasure might be fun for awhile but the price you pay is really not worth it, not only for you but for everyone else who is affected as well.
Marriage requires so much sacrifice. I kinda knew some of it but it is really hard. I kinda wished people talked more about how hard it is. The only person I really see emphasise this is Pr Chris hahaha. I miss Pr Chris being in church, I see him so little nowadays.
Only God can give me the strength to forgive and wipe his slate clean. But it doesn't mean he gets to do all these shit again, things really need to change. But again I'm scared to hope.
Heavenly Father,
You know the cries of my heart. You know all about our marriage and how it has broken down. I pray for your strength and your peace, your wisdom and guidance in our minds. I thank you for the people you have sent to support us in different ways. Please help us both to think clearly, to communicate all our needs and expectations, to love one another unconditionally, to be more understanding towards each other, and to help and love each other more than we should. I pray that you send good help to help us restore our marriage, to set boundaries so that we do not repeat this cycle again, and be forgiving toward each other even as we will make mistakes and hurt each other along the way. I pray for peace tonight as we go to sleep. May our dreams be filled with joy for a fulfilled future and that we never forget to give thanks to you in everything we do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
